The storm

Some days I just feel like a storm has taken hold of me, and I just have no way of getting out. This morning I woke up, and immediately headed to the bathroom with stomach pains, and after what will become several shower (this the first one). I tired to encourage Ms. Priss to scoot along, she is like a slug some mornings. Little man was still asleep and slept until ten. Yesterday, after a four day weekend at his dads, he came home hyped up and now today will be the crash day. I try to prepare myself, I start this new online course and am just finishing when he finishes breakfast. I let him play the xbox for a bit, and I start to work on the laundry. That's when the crying begins, it starts little at first like the drops of rain. Not enough electronic equipment not playing at the same time. He wants S's going in our room, while his ipad and tv blar in his, and then Mrs. Priss ipad blars something else. In the middle of this chaos he wants to try to feed his turtle. So I scoop what we are now calling "blue toad" into a tupperware container and try my best to encourage the thing to eat. I can see the rain start to pour faster as the turtle doesn't eat. I pray to every turtle god there is, and offer the thing lettuce....nothing. That's when the crying starts "why won't he eat" he says through the tears and screams and stomps down the hall. "He's scared," I try to say kindly. "Let's put him back in the tank and see!" The word that follows echos through the house, and it almost feels like it could shatter glass "NOooooooooo!" So I don't and we wait he goes back and forth between the turtle and the noise in the rest of the house. Finally, two hours later and lunch time we can put the turtle back. So we do...and he sits on his rock while sissy's turtle eats the food. That's when the pouring rain because a thunderstorm. "No! Stop her! That's blue toad!" It takes a hour and a honey bun to calm him. We get distracted after lunch and I get some more things done, while taking my second shower of the day. I warn him about 2 that we have to go to the grocery store and get syrup...his response of "Then we get sissy?" means he is feeling alright about this idea. I say a prayer and hope that the storm has passed. We make it to the store and to sissy without a meltdown. Then snack and xbox time for sissy. Little man has one incident with xbox where he literally tears his sister down verbally, but knowing the storm that's just waiting to fall out on me I use harsh words and end the time soon to duck and dodge. They separate after that for a bit, and I breathe and just sit down when S comes in.   Now, S wants to talk...and I'm in no mood to talk I want to tune out the world so I can prepare for the coming storm. We end up in a fight...suck! :(  Sometimes I think she really thinks I do nothing all day. That's about the time it happens. Mrs. Priss hears the fight and creates one of her own, she wants little man out of her room so she can have "privacy". Which normally means she just wants to cause a fight to then go back and play with him. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to deal with it. He hits her or screams at her, she wants him out, I spend a hour getting him out through his meltdown, and a hour later she wants him back.  Anyway I clear with her that she can't go back, and she promptly tries to boss him around. So then I have her upset because now I have to ground her for doing my job and little man in the room screaming and refusing to let go of the wii remote. So I get him out, and that's when the lights go out. His eyes roll to the top of his head and stares at the ceiling while tears run down his face. All the while he is screaming and kicking  and hitting anything within reach. In this moment my baby boy is gone, and I am helpless. I try to call him back to look at me, I try to talk him through it.....but the little man who holds S and my hand's at night is no where to be found....and what I am left with is turmoil and anguish and no way to fix the chaos he has inside his mind. It kills me and drains me of all I am.....Finally I talk him through how to fix the problem, you see her wii on this game has the characters he wants to play. So I have to switch both wii's while hearing how he needs to eat. The list just goes on...S tries to distract which I am thankful for while I try to make something for dinner. There is more yelling from little man, and he's back invading my space while I am trying to use the bathroom.....and now aunt flow is here on top of everything else. I get his wii and computer setup, and then back into the shower. Just long enough to hear my phone beep...damn I was suppose to do that stuff for my club website tonight. Thankfully she passed it off....

and now I sit in the dark on the verge of tears that I can't release because he keeps coming in my room....and I am just not sure.....can I really do this?

Autism sucks.....